Sunderland boss Roy Keane says he is happy for goalkeeper Craig Gordon to have a mid-season holiday - as long as he doesn't go out in a canoe. You have gotta love that man!

My nephew who had a bang on his head when younger has gone on to support the dark side..( the family shame) doh ..My sister ...his mother( pointed out for the barcodes)done the washing the other day and proceeded to hang his beloved newcastle top on the line. On returning from an afternoon out the nephew staired out the kitchen window to see his top was gone..( there is a god ) however on leaving the kitchen and going out into the garden the top was lying on the ground un touched his joy was, ecstatic my sisters however was not as she realised that someone had pinched her PEGS...

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Snow White and the 7 dwarves are walking through Jesmond this afternoon when they suddenly fall through a huge hole! Snow White manages to ring the Firebrigade before her battery died.

The fireman shouts down the hole, "is everyone okay?"

One of the dwarves shouts, "Yes I'm fine! And Newcastle will beat Sunderland at home today for sure!!"

The fireman whispers to his fellow firefigher, "Least we know Dopey's okay".

In the school canteen Reverend Mother put a notice on the pile of apples on the counter: "Take One Only - God is watching!" No surprise that on the pile of cookies at the other end a notice appeared: "Take as many as you like - God's watching the apples!"

1 Life is short
2 Break the rules
3 Forgive quickly
4 Kiss slowly
5 Love truly
6 Laugh uncontrollably
7 Never regret anything that made you smile
8 Don't skive off work to watch a match especially France v Ireland
9 Send postcards - its rude not too!
10 If you love someone - TELL THEM!