Well here I am in a hotel in Scotland BORED STIFF!
The place is awesome truely ( It's ran by 2 gay guys - one of which is Irish and constantly plays Irish music including the Pogues, Saw Doctors, Dubliners etc etc so that fine! )
Person I am here with is asleep and can't take no for an answer! You can only rephrase "no" so many ways - can't you?
Food is top Beer is expensive
Oh well - work again on Monday

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray ,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Hiya blogland! Just chillin in me conservatory on a lazy Friday Been talking to LOML and hopefully meeting up soon! So all is good with the world ????? Hope you can feel the love? lol G

edit your friends list?

Well I hope it ain't like Bloody Saturday ffs! No reception today so hopefully less drunks and broken bits
Have finally finished taking all the ammo of the ship now so can smoke and use fones again
And there is a buzz ( rumour ) that we might be able to go weekend 2moz YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight is prob my last at sea this year!
The moves from Montrose to Crombie and then on to Rosyth only take a few hours each !!!! Sooooooooooooo what happens now??????????

Well we have sailed again but only till Friday
Scotland will be very nice I'm sure, if only to meet up with an ols friend? She isn't that old so if your reading this hon... I didn't mean it like that lol!
Going to see Slipknot in Dec so thats something else I've got to do - apart from work that is

.......... a Saturday morning, sat around reading the paper, messing round on here - doing not a lot just waiting for a call that never comes? Was it worth coming back?

Well here I am back in the sunny UK NOT!
As I live in a conservatory it's a good job I like the sound of the rain
Have seen loads of family - which is cool, even if the youngest did bugger of to Amsterdam lol!
Dongle is doing fine thank you! As is the shopping hehe!
Hope all is well in blogland ??? Gx

Ok the first one slipped through so starting again!
Work = Pennies
Pennies= Shoes
Shoes = Love
Love Shoes

Ok it's crap but you gotta start somewhere

Well I'm back here in the sunny UK! And it's nearly time to leave again - of to Puerto dela Cruz ( prob spelt wrong but hey the pilot knows where he is going hehe)
So am using a dongle thing to get on here so PLEASE bear with me????
Catch you all again soon G

............. and 2 sleeps to go
Hit the breakwater 20:30 on Thurday night, so will be able to see Plymouth for the first time since March 12th

With the dodgy weather we have had today have seen 3 of those water spout thingys - they look like tornados but on the water???? If youy know what I mean?
Just been out for a smoke cos the bloody system crashed and we are having a bloody great lightning storm Big forks of it lighting the sky just like day light - it's lush!!!!!!!
Sometimes this job ain't that bad - 8 days to go as we are 1 hour infront of you!

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would
now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been
worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,
but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all,
then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get
£214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice
is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table,  took his wife's hand in his and said, 'Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?'
 
 
Martha replied, 'Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.'
 
 
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, 'I never
suspected, but can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons' ?'
 
 
Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you
remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?'
 
 
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, and now, what about the second time?'
 
 
Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have
the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your
doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'
 
 
'I do recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life, so I of
course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time.'
 
 
'All right', Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for President of
your golf club, and you needed 86 more votes....... 
 

Well I finally got of the ship after to flippy long! Taxi, post haste, to the Tatshack where I finally got the tattoo I had promised myself since the beginning of the deployment 300 euros seemed a lot however, having seen some of the efforts by other " artists" I'm glad I toook the trouble to search out Deano on the web! Expensive but you have a tat for a long time!!!
Then to the hotel ( v v posh ) where 3 bottles of rose ( one of each please ) SEEMED a good idea at the time - I obviously needed the 14 hours sleep after lol!
Woke up at 05:40 on my first day of in weeks, force of habit I suppose but at least I hadn't stuck to the sheets, the cream stuff you have to put on gets everywhere
Sunday was a chilled day, booking into a spa hotel with split level pool wasn't prob the best idea when I couldn't go swimming or sunbathing so faught with the new facebook to post 2 pics and wade through all the notifications and stuff ( Hiya T, found you in the end ! )
Just wish hadn't bumped into mate and his g/f as I was checking out this morn - hotel wouldn't take either of the cards they had so it was " George can you lend me 500 euros" ffs! Talk about taking the p155 - they even shared me taxi back and didn't offer to share - oh well 5h1t happens I suppose! Just hope get the dosh back soon as need it for when eLLe flies out to Alicante on Friday!!!!!!!!!!

If it's Friday it must be Malta outside?
It looks really beautiful but can't really remember more about it as haven't been here since 1988 ( what a year )
Hopefully will have a quiet duty as everyone is gonna let loose after 3 and a half weeks at sea - so wish me luck!
And it;s raining again - well spitting anyway

Saw rain yesterday for the first time since MArch, it was only a couple of minutes on the flight deck but it reminded me of home - strange as I'm still in the Med! Rain hasn't changed that much - it's still wet
Had a 5 hour stop in Augusta ( Sicily ) today as we needed fuel and we can't RAS for a while
Next stop is Valetta 2moz - I have to work 2moz night ( duty ) but am of on Sat morning and Sunday ( first day of in 5 and a half weeks ffs! )
So tat at the tatshack - decent food, a hotel, and a chance to recharge my batteries
Only 2 weeks to go
Someone worked out that we have only had 40 odd days alongside out of 205 so considering I've been duty for some of them - well I need a break That is where Puerto de la Cruz comes in

Hopefully have just booked into the Tatshack in Valetta to have another tattoo done It's gonna be a red dragon ( another one ) but as it's on my right calf it should be green! Oh well - it will be above my black cat

Well we have finally passed out of the Red Sea, up the Suez and are back in to the Med So we are def closer to home Roll on Oct 3rd

Word Association

1. pink ... hair
2. shoe ... whore ( thats me )
3. zebra ... crossing
4. school ... time
5. button ... down
6. kiss ... cuddle
7. over ... time
8. pool ... side
9. run ... away
10. seven ... times 7
11. dew ... drop
12. apple ... pie
13. building ... block
14. hat ... horse
15. book ... shelf
16. song ... bird
17. banana ... split
18. plane ... ticket
19. tyre ... spare
20. light ... duties

have cancelled the Christmas Panto as they have no Messiah, no wise men and 11 donkeys!

At approx 11;15 your time we turned right! Yup 90 degrees to starboard What does this mean????? Well we have already cleared the Bab el Mendeb Sraights and are on our way home! We are at the bottom of the Red Sea and will be through the Suez Canal in a few days Into the Med ( few days in Valetta ) Quick stop in Alicante ( pick up eLLe who is sailing back with us ) Arriving back to Plymouth at the beginning of October 205 days after we left! She's a deployment!

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray ,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Ipod mp3 player???? I'll start - takes deep breathe -
Aerosmith
As heard on radio soulwax
black rebel motorcycle club
black sabbath
cradle of filth
darren styles
disturbed
doors
duffydylan thomas ( yes that one )
foo fighters
kate nash
kinks
led zeppelin
limp bizkit
likin park
lostprophets
motorhead
muse
nine inch nails x3
oasis
paul rogers
paul weller x4
pink
radio 1 - live lounge
rapid - earworms
scorpions
scouting for girls
sex pistols
simon and garfunkel - don't ask
smiths
steroephonics
sundat morning songs hmmmmmmmmmmm
system of a down
the clash
the limitless potential
the saw doctors
the smashing pumpins
the strokes
the teaches of peaches
the wombats
the zutons
thin lizzy
van halen
van morrison x3
Well that is me - what about you?

Have I told you I've just booked tickets to see these?
Beginning of December in Glasgow

Stayed up to watch that?????
It's gone 1 in the morning - what a waste of time and sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TWO NUNS - not stolen from Dee

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

Or where have I been?????????????
Well, of the coast of Somalia really
No, I haven't been on for a few days so filling in the gaps!
Hmmmmmmmmmmm where did I leave of!
OK yeah hmm Dinner with the Captain, not what I really wanted ( keep your head down ) The meal was fine, the wine better
Had to carry on in the Mess when I finished up there so had a late night ( early morning ) Had a little lie in for work but twas ok as had top-cover
Had a flight deck BBQ the following night, which was nice! No food poisoning reported so that is always a bonus
Following that we had a talent competition (?) Several members of the ships company proved that they didn't have any ( One did the same act he did last year - and he was rubbish then!!!!!! ) The girls did a syncronised dance called " Watch the dance not the bounce " It went down well But the winner was a rapper from Leeds called Crash!Admittedly the 3rd encore suffered from Fosters induced slurring but he had already won by then so it didn't matter
As you can prob tell we are in a lower state of readiness at the min( helicopter is broken ) So we are taking the chance to let of a bit of steam However we have been away from home for 179 days and only have 26 days left before we return to the UK