Waiting on the waiting game

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and, even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhing on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to find there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no
through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

The receptionist always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is  embarrassing. 
There's  nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you 
in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have  experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled  it. 

An 86  year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the  desk.... 
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with  my dick', he replied. 

The  receptionist became irritated and said, 
'You shouldn't come into a crowded  waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he  said. 
   

The  Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room  full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then 
discuss the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 

The man  replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' 

The man  walked out, waited several minutes and then he re-entered. 
The  Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 
'There's something wrong with  my ear', he stated. 

The  Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her  advice. 
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??' 

'I  can't p155 out of it,' he replied. 
The  waiting room erupted in laughter. 
Mess  with seniors and you're gonna lose!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Women ( Still evening things up - ok? )

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO

HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
 

THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving  and charges the inmates for them!

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again with only the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value and saved the county over $90,000 a year.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton -- If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on tape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year . "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see
advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling
herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the
kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. "Wow! she sounded sexy".

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to
my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with
you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the
whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements,
toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says,

That sounds fantastic to me, but for an outside line you need to dial 9."

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*s at Jewsons deliver the fxxxxxg bricks.'

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
£80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
£80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2007
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: how did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2017??????????????????????????????????????
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to w hom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

After a busy week ( River C S 1 for a while )Sat is more like holidays YEAH!
Bronzing all aft followed by Hands to Bathe hmm oh yeah! This is more like the cruise I signed up for!
Film night on F.D. is Hot Fuzz :-( only seen it 12 times oh well- at least got early chop tonight! Cheers Angel:-)

Overheard on UD B-C
CO " What is in the water?"
OOW " Intel Team say it's a fishing float."
CO " And it took the whole Intelligence Team to work that out?"
No reply fm OOW
PMSL LOL!