Waiting on the waiting game

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire  in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.

Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.
One strange effect of the  earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning.'
Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, 'Scunthorpe' said the girl,
wossit gotta do wiv you?' (And who put the ---- in Scunthorpe anyway?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh,
sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,

'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass

every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he

meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to

heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you

die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I

thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street

crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,

pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went

over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the

obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend,

Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding

in Connecticut.   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath

and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff

one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking

buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their

upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by

grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his

rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing

especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in

the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He

managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a

Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw

blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his

way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt

and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken

glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing

through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all

those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'