There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions.
> >
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*&t on its head.'

Well it's nearly play time, 3 weeks at sea and hopefully 2moz we will be in Oman, 4 days in Hilton hotel coming up - oh yes!!! Didn't bother booking breakfast as there is no way I'm getting up for it!Only managed 3 hours sleep last night and 4 the night before so no prizes for guessing what I'm gonna be doing! Yes - not flippy cleaning!!!!! CO can poke his rounds!!!! Gonna sleep for Britain - amongst other things
Won't be on for few days but will be back soon xmwahx
ps 184 is number of head tablets got given this time ffs! Thats about 12 days worth

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as
he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some iced water brought
right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler
asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book..

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then
he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind.'

Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still cared about, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

And don't forget - You're all welcome @ my water bowl anytime! ;o)

hope this works?????

Click here: Arse or Elbow?
www.zegelin.com/love_files/ArseorElbow.htm>

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4 : If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws.