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Posts archive for: 29 April, 2008
  • Last one for now

    Eight Little Words

     

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

    Female . . Any part under a car's hood.

    Male . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

     

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

    Female . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

    Male . . . Playing football without a cup.

     

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

    Female . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

    Male . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

     

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

    Female . . A desire to get married and raise a family.

    Male . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

     

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

    Female . .  A good movie, concert, play or book.

    Male . . .  Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

     

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

    Female . .  An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

    Male . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

     

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)! n.

    Female . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

    Male . . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

     

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

    Female . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

    Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

     

    AND:

     

    He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

    She said . . You wear pants, don't you?

     

    He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

    She said . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit

    on the sofa and fart!

     

    He said  . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

    She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

     

    He said . .  How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

    She said . .  We don't know; it has never happened.

     

    He said . .  Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?

    She said . . They already have boyfriends.

     

    She said . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

    He said . . A widow.

     

    He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

    She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

    Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

     

    _____

  • Call centres

    THE LAST ONE IS AN ABSOLUTE CLASSIC!!

    Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

    Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
    Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
    Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
    Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
    Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
    'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Directory Enquiries
    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
    'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
    Customer: 'OK'.
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
    Customer: 'No'.
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No'.
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
    There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
    Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
    Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    Operator: 'Went away?'
    Caller: 'They disappeared.'
    Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
    Caller: 'Nothing.'
    Operator: 'Nothing??'
    Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
    Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
    Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
    Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
    Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
    Caller: 'I don't know.'
    Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
    Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
    Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
    Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
    Operator: 'Dark??'
    Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
    ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    Caller: 'I can't.'
    Operator: 'No? Why not??'
    Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
    Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
    Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
    Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
    Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

  • wadda ya think????????

    According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

    When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags – riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

    We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

    We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

    We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

    We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

    We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

    We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

    We had friends - we went outside and found them.

    We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

    We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no lawsuits.

    We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

    We played chap-the-door-run-away (knock down ginger) and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

    We walked to friends' homes.

    We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

    We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

    We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
    And you're one of them.

    Congratulations!

    Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.

    This my friends, is surprisingly frightening...and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986...They are called youth.

    They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

    For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

    AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.

    Michael Jackson has always been white.

    To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

    They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

    They can never imagine life before computers.

    They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

    They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

    They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

    Now let's check if we're getting old...

    1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

    2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

    3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

    4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

    5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

    6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.

    7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.

    8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too…

    Yes, you're getting old!

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